Maybe Faith is a Good Idea

Maybe the reason i haven't written a week is cause I'm lazy
Or cause i've had other things (not necessarily better) to do
Or cause maybe the guy that's the circle of this blog hasn't interacted whatsoever in the past week


Or maybe it's all the above




I want to be able to say something actually happened, and maybe by some miracle we're friends now, since I've formally met almost all his friends, but not him. 


And i want to say i couldn't give a shit, because all the expectations he has about me, and all the ones i have for him would never meet up - it would just be leading to disappointment


But i can't not care, and that's what so screwed up. 
 I've hardly ever cared about a guy - it either happens or doesn't.
So why him? Out of all the guys i actually talk to


...Maybe it's that it's a hard-to-get circumstance
Or the fact that he's pretty much out of my league
Maybe it's the idea that he was interested first
Or that i'd be competing with half the girls in school (or maybe just a couple)


Maybe it's that this is real-life, passionate, soul-mate, star-crossed love.
....But that seems pretty unlikely.
Since love like that hardly proves to exist 

Better This Time

Maybe it'd be better if i actually had that confidence i need
To dance
To talk
To sing

Cause, to be honest, I can't dance for shit.
And talking to certain people can sometimes seem terrifying
And singing could be alright with some practice

But, then, its the confidence to act.
To act on the wave, or the smile, or the invitation.

Friday in my science class, i sit right in front of the door.  Right across the hallway, I can see a computer lab visible through glass windows.
And you know that guy i mentioned - the one I'm gonna try to befriend? Haha he's in that computer lab, but i have no idea.   I'm working on my worksheets when i look up and see him waving through the window.  I waved back - in shock - looking behind me to see if I'm not the one he's waving to - and thankfully, (cause that'd be so embarrassing) i am.

Other than that, my weekend hardly had anything.
Went to a dance (HA) and came home to my parents and their friends, drunk, playing scrabble.
Go them!...

Run Away Love

I'm at that time and age where suddenly I see all those "opportunities" i missed.  Everything i should have done when I had the chance, but didn't - for whatever reason (aka excuse) i had.
But I'm still so young... compared to others haha
I still have other opportunities - at this day and age.  Recognition of the "opportunity" is the only issue.
And being half blind isn't helping; being expectant of the worse is aggravating; having insecureness taking all the confidence away is weakening.
But I'm still going.  For the chances that i can see - for the things i'll never be able to reach later.
I'm going for everything that others know to doubt in me
That even I know to doubt in me
But it's this, or walk away.
And if I choose to walk away - then why not run?
That way, if i second guess my choice to give up, i'll already be too far gone too be able to turn around - too far to return to the unknown of "what could've been", since, after all, all I've ever done is live in the safe;familiar;known.


So - knowing my-chickening-out-self - I'm living by this
See how i do after the first week i guess.... haha [fingers crossed]


"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. "

~ Cadet Maxim

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"When in doubt, risk it."

~ Holbrook Jackson

Super Day

I swear that no teacher I've ever had has ever been as awkward as my math teacher this year.  Mr Steele.
He doesn't make eye contact.  Hasn't once since i've met him - i guess he likes the floor and ceiling better than our faces.
He has no jokes, other than ones none of the students understand
Overall... it's uncomfortable to be in the room.


But then his name is Mr. Steele, and i can't help thinking how good a name that is for a superhero.
- As if the reason he doesn't make eye contact is because he'll destroy us if he does - as if his sometimes feminine voice shows a secret side of him, that he could possibly be the world's first homosexual superhero, or maybe, he's actually a "Ms." Steele and the pudgy old man costume is her disguise.


Anyway, in the hallway today i think i saw the three most opposite love displays i could've in high school.

1. A girl catches up with her boyfriend, him oblivious, and says some kind of sweet hello while taking his hand and he's so taken aback he only knows to smile.
2. A girl tugging at her soon-to-be-boyfriend's hand laughing, while he pretends to struggle away laughing, "Hellll nooo - I'm not gonna walk you to class" even though it only takes five seconds before he starts to walk her, still holding hands.
3. A girl shouting something at her boyfriend I couldn't really understand, when he interrupts with a loud and quick, "Shut up".  She barely has time to give him a death glare before he interrupts her again with a kiss.

 It was all super cute.  And then I got to the cafeteria and got cornered.  Turns out that if you keep a secret - keep your word to stay quiet and keep your mouth shut - then it's a really big problem if the secret your keeping is something someone that doesn't know, wants to know.


In other words - Friend A told me something that i couldn't tell anyone, not even Friend B that would definitely want to know.  Friend B found out from someone else - knew that i didn't tell her - and now I'm in deep doo-doo? Fuck no.  I said sorry but keeping my mouth shut about something that had nothing to do with me was the only right thing i could've done, without choosing Friend A over Friend B or vise versa.  In a way, i did choose Friend A, but in another, i didn't ask to know the secret and i just acted like i never knew in general.


But I am sorry.  As defensive as I'm being.

74 Thoughts

HELLO SUNSHINE,

If i actually CAN think up 74 thoughts by the time i want to go to bed (My eyes are already starting that whole droopy-dry-thing) then congratulate me.

74 cause my Grandpas really old and today was his awesome 74th birthday dinner

1. Unfroze appetizers, salad/bread, unfroze soup, and pie - served cold withOUT icecream and with three (pink) candles to celebrate my Grandpa's age in all it's manliness.  I watched as my grandma tried scooping off the dripped wax off the pie.

Thing is if we took my grandparents out to a decent - or even Five star - restaurant, there would have been something they hated/disliked/& complained about.  When it's my mom cooking the dinner, it's basically against family rules to insult her cooking.

Ended up rolling my ring around on the table cause the conversation wasn't anything to get excited about, and i noticed it just rolled and rolled and rolled.  It never stopped.

If it hit something it either bounced off or glided along the edges.  Finally it hit the butter and ended up getting knocked over.  

Yah, I thought.  Butters my weakness too.

With my whole new "vegetarian" (non-strict) new lifestyle (started yesterday <3) there wasn't actually much to eat except salad and bread <3

all the appetizers were either nasty or meat-full (no offense mom)

And the soup had this pig-meat i forget the name of

The fact that i said i was going to do REALLY good in school this year was a joke.  7th day and i haven't open my backpack since I got home.

Way to stay motivated...

My sister - she has this thing about her where everyone will automatically like her, even if they just see her for five minutes.  

But then she broke her nose twice in her 19 years.  Maybe that's the key.

Anyway, i say that cause this year i also have the ambition (besides good grades) to make new friends.

Specifically one - a guy - haha duh

{Ooo's and Awe's}

Except there's nothing to even hope for - as optimistic as I'm trying to be.

There was the almost-all-year opportunity last year for me to say something, cause every time he saw me he'd call out but i'd just be like, "hey" smiling back.  As if i could have been any more cold or resistant...

But then the problem was I wasn't in that stage yet, where he interested me - sure, i was "flattered", but i had a boyfriend.  What could i do? - he already had enough friends haha and i really am not gonna say I'm not awkward - cause the majority of people are, the majority of our time.

So that's where i leave you.  With me falling asleep to these really honest, yet pessimistic thoughts.  Doubt that was 74 thoughts but those were the thoughts that were jumping around in my mind for the last 74 minutes, so that counts for something.

Maybe.

Sincerely,

      (private information)_